whoa!

plum:    27 very soon to be 28.

boy/girl name guy:     Ahh…see you need to find yourself a 31-33 year old.  The 31-33 year old guys love the 27-28 year old girls. They make the perfect relationships.

plum:    Is that right?

boy/girl name guy:     That’s right!

plum:      To bad you said you were 35.

boy/girl name guy:     I already said I was 35.

plum:    you sure did!

boy/girl name guy:    damn…… (walks away)

Friend in Red: ” I like that.”

Plum: ” I know right, it’s got a nice shine”

Man out of Nowhere: “Want to shine my little friend!”

(grabs his ‘little friend’)

Here is why it is good that I stay single in the month of August:

1- My hair looks like ass, and behaves like ass! My natural wave (and sporadic curls) come out and play. They will not and can not be tamed! This is fine, except for if any exploits happen.  My hair knots up a lot faster, and this makes it hard to run hand through, and makes it one big matted mess in the AM. (And speaking of the AM)

2- I can’t sleep! It’s hot, and uncomfortable, and want to spread out when I sleep. Also, mix the head/face sweat with my hair and it’s a sight to be seen. I don’t want to be touched and positively don’t want the extra body heat rubbing against me.

3- Boob sweat! If you don’t know the wonders of boob sweat, you are a lucky lucky person. My friend @vanillabean45, and I were joking the other day about the puddle that can collect up in there. Like seriously, on a hot day you could wash your hands in my cleavage! And if I’m wearing a certain type of padded bra it gets all soaked up in that and the whole bra feels damp.  Hells-No you ain’t touching/seeing my boobs. You take that bra off and the floodgates will open!

4- I hate crowds of sweaty people! The masses that don’t have A/C, and God forbid not even a fan, flock to establishments that have them! This is the sole reason they have the baby cry in the “don’t interrupt the movie” spot at the movies! Makes me so mad I want to punch someone, and it just might be you.

5-  I love pudding cups! People always say it’s too hot to eat. Well it’s too hot to eat a big dinner, but when it’s hot out, I still eat my friends!  And I want hot food, beer, and pudding! It bothers people (and has always bothered significant others) I like soup, and chili, and hot chocolate more in the summer then the winter.  I also want to eat bar food and drink beer every day (wings, onion rings, and beer…now that is technically why I shouldn’t be single, but whatever)

6- It’s too hot to go to the gym! (see above and draw conclusion)

(reason #___why I’m single: Right now, I could care less!)

1 in 4 women misread an at home pregnancy test!  Are you serious! 1 in 4! Holy shit friends!  1 in 4!

Now granted I’ve only ever used an at home pregnancy test once in my life, and I didn’t buy it, and sorta got pressured into it. One of my roommates in university used to have a stack of them (like she was an hour late and she would whip it out!) I used to joke with her “to bad they don’t have a bin of Preggo-Tests at Bulkbarn!”  (right beside the gummy candy….!)

I’ve never really had a ‘scare’, in fact I’m starting to think that maybe I’m not even fertile!   But I assume if I did have one I would walk myself over to a Duane Reade (they aren’t hard to find) and fill my basket up with every pregnancy test box I could get my hands on.  And do them all!  This is what bad girly TV and movies have taught us, you need to hydrate and pee on that stick till you know for sure!

So how in the hell do 1 in 4 women read this wrong?  I mean it’s either yes or no, positive or negative, pregnant or not pregnant.  (some actually print the words so you just have to know how to read)

Is it just me, or does reading a peed on stick seem as easy as a bad knock-knock joke?!

Knock-knock

Who’s there?

It ain’t Aunt Flo!

1 in 4 women need to CHECK THEMSELVES, cause you’re a hot mess, and the fact that you are actually getting laid makes me shake my head.

(reason #___why I’m single: I can read instructions  while peeing on a stick ?)

And then the decision was pretty easy!

Every once and a while I do my Pick-Up-Line-Love (PULL) posts.  These are are REAL pickup lines guys have used on me. Most are recent, however, I also have a large notebook (or journal) filled with these from the last few years.  And so…….WELCOME to the 1st SUNDAY PULL!

PULL: not enough

socks & sandals man:

“I’m not drunk enough to punish yet!….Want to get on that sweetness, anything with vodka would be great!”

And they weren’t my usual type of ‘hate’. These were mean, and direct hits on how I carry myself, how I’m basically a slut, whore, bitch, think of it they said it: Not my usual ‘hate’ email.  I get most of my usual  ’hate’ emails from who I tend to call my “Christian Fundamentalist followers”. They send me bible passages and want to save me from my naughty naughty ways.

I’ve haven’t responded to any of my “saviors”, and to them I mostly would just say thank you for visiting and for caring about me (even if I am a heathen) and wanting to make sure I don’t burn in a fiery hell.  But this catholic schoolgirl has her own ideas on why she might be burning in hell.

Straight up the only reason I might be going to Hell is:

I was five years old, and I stole a big super fluffy pink pipe cleaner from the craft store!   ( I hid it in a box under the bathroom sink)

When my mom confronted me I out right denied taking it, then crumbled into a ball and threw it in the toilet!

My parents made me go to confession, and I’m pretty sure the only thing I confessed to was to hating my parents!

So when you take out my exploits, you take out my filthy mouth, that squirrel I hit with my car, and my love for beef or pork (depending on your god)

I’ll see you in hell…. I hope they have a craft room!

I read three articles this week (and many more before) all which listed the same rule when it comes to “fuck buddies” or as I like to say the “BB” (Bed Buddy)

Never spend the night!

Now I get the reason they say this, actually that’s a lie. I don’t get why they say this! Except for the fact that most of these articles are written by females. Translation crazy girls who actually had feelings and developed stronger feelings for their BB’s!  Truth be told I’ve said it before and I’m saying it again now…..CHICKS ARE CRAZY, BOYS BEWARE!

Here is the thing if you can’t tell the difference between your BB (fuck friend) and a relationship then you shouldn’t be allowed to have sex!

Only reasons you should not spend the night is:

You got places to be before 8am. (but I still don’t buy this one)

You are actually cheating on someone (and then you have other issues)

It’s a twin size bed (although we all should have learned this art back when living the dorm life)

A fuck buddy is two things:

A fuck   (And)   A buddy

A buddy like all buddies is there for you when you need them in more ways then one.  I should hope you are able to talk with and get along with your buddy. If you don’t you are missing out! I’m telling you!

Fuck buddies are like the best nonpartisan person to talk with, joke with, and fool around with (*ahem*). They are the perfect relationship because they lack all complication!  (but that’s not to say complication can’t develop)

I’ve gotten great friend advice, great personal advice, great financial advise, and even some great diet advise from boys I have slept with where there was no confusion of ‘feelings’.

I’ve always had lots of guy friends, always felt more comfortable being with and one of the guy’s….so a Buddy is like that with an added benefit of the bed.

One of my Bestest Bros (a different type of BB) Tom over at yourtango wrote a great article the other week about one of my favorite things: Morning Sex!

And to anyone out there who decides that spending the night with your BB is against the “Rules”.  Again, I point to Tom’s article.

Morning sex is by far the best reason to spend the night with your fuck buddy. Period!

And if your buddy ain’t into the morning sex, get yourself a new buddy, Stat!

So last night I’m sitting doing some work having some online chats and I get an IM message from a name I don’t know.  Now to be honest I literally haven’t logged into IM in like 4 years, and only added it to Adium so I could do a video chat.

“How you doing?”

“Pretty good, how are you doing?”  I say in hopes that I might get an idea of who this is.

“Not to much, just hanging out.” ( I didn’t ask what you were doing buddy I asked how you were doing)

Hmm…so this person ain’t giving me anything!

So I say it.  “ I’m sorry, but I have no clue who this is.  Lol.  I literally haven’t logged into IM in years. I’m sorry”

“This is ‘IMguy’, who is this?”

“Umm… this is Plum. Do I know you?”

So we can’t seem to figure out how we know each other, and it’s driving me fucking crazy.  I’m usually really good with names, although I’m much better with faces!  ‘IMguy’ doesn’t seem to care that we don’t know each other.  But I care…..I am frustrated and throwing out ideas/ways we might know each other without giving too much information.

He then says,

“I BET IT WAS FROM LAVA, CRAIGSLIST OR PLENTY OF FISH?”

Ok dude, so you are chatting me up trying to what ask me on a date.  Which by the way as I was nicely ending the conversation he did say “we should hang sometime, can I get your number” Please note this is after he tells me he lives on the LES right off of the train, and where do I live.  Oh, but you know he was just curious about something like that at 1am.

Here’s the deal.  Yes this guy was pretty much upfront with wanting to get laid. That’s cool good for him!  But don’t assume that I’m a slut just because I’m on IM in your contacts.  I’m sorry this really pissed me off.  If you have a person or even have a group of people that you go to when you want to get laid you need to LABEL those.  And, since I have never met this boy, and or had sex with this guy DO NOT assume I want to!

He could have nicely said, “do you do online dating?” or something like that…..but by listing LAVA, PLENTY OF FISH, and CRAIGSLIST, are you fucking kidding me!  Craigslist!  Really!  Ok, so now I’m not interested at all!

(I’m ranting now!)

At the end of the day here’s what I want to say:  Label your sex friends, casual encounters, whatever you want to call them.

And don’t assume that I’ll have sex with you just cause I’m online, and you better not make the judgment that I’m that type of girl within 5 minutes of our conversation! Insults do not equal my pants coming off, and asking a girl (at least a some what self respecting one) if you meet her off of craigslist IS an insult in my book!

Urrhggg…

SIDEBAR: We ended up having contacts because of a work project from 4 years ago. Not online dating site.

FACT: The Adium duck chat quack, and my ‘cat and the hat’ desktop duck bring alittle too much joy to my life!

Me hiding in my little blog closet was a grand place to be….why would I ever come out!  But then I did! I’ve thrown the closet doors to blogger land open and said “I’m here, I Blog, Get used to it!”

Although I might be an attention whore, (I threw the blog closet door open and I’m awaiting ELLEN or OPERA to call, I already got the dress picked out!) I miss my anonymity.

I must say since coming out of the ‘closet’ I have meet some of the most fascinating and interesting people, and made some truly wonderful friends (twitter kind of blows my mind sometimes)  However, I do prefer writing with complete freedom, being able to fully voice my frustrations and comments with constraints. (I’m not into writing handcuffs….other types of handcuffs we’ll talk about later)

There was the ‘BabyFace’ incident this past week.  There is this one guy I really want to vent about and get feedback on but I know he reads this, there is the other guy who I just cant figure out yet but he reads this too, and then the other guy who’s sorta shown back up. There is the wonderful friend who teases me about my spelling (and grammar), and there was a guy who asked a friend of mine “is _______ lostplum?..…I was going to ask her out but that would be wired.”

For one of the first times I am truly lost in this plum world. I worry about offending, I question whether I’m being funny, and I’ll probably never get a second date with anyone …. (maybe not even a first!)