If you aren’t living in NYC right now, let me break it down for you. It’s hot! Now, I know you’re saying, “I know it’s hot here too!” Well, nope you’re wrong. It’s Balls-ass-Africa hot in this city. Balls-ass-Africa heat wave hot! No joke! Unless you’ve done August in this city don’t talk to me! And for once I will verbally scream from the mountaintops: Thank God I’m single! (Thank you Jesus….mama plum just had a heart attack)
Here is why it is good that I stay single in the month of August:
1- My hair looks like ass, and behaves like ass! My natural wave (and sporadic curls) come out and play. They will not and can not be tamed! This is fine, except for if any exploits happen. My hair knots up a lot faster, and this makes it hard to run hand through, and makes it one big matted mess in the AM. (And speaking of the AM)
2- I can’t sleep! It’s hot, and uncomfortable, and want to spread out when I sleep. Also, mix the head/face sweat with my hair and it’s a sight to be seen. I don’t want to be touched and positively don’t want the extra body heat rubbing against me.
3- Boob sweat! If you don’t know the wonders of boob sweat, you are a lucky lucky person. My friend @vanillabean45, and I were joking the other day about the puddle that can collect up in there. Like seriously, on a hot day you could wash your hands in my cleavage! And if I’m wearing a certain type of padded bra it gets all soaked up in that and the whole bra feels damp. Hells-No you ain’t touching/seeing my boobs. You take that bra off and the floodgates will open!
4- I hate crowds of sweaty people! The masses that don’t have A/C, and God forbid not even a fan, flock to establishments that have them! This is the sole reason they have the baby cry in the “don’t interrupt the movie” spot at the movies! Makes me so mad I want to punch someone, and it just might be you.
5- I love pudding cups! People always say it’s too hot to eat. Well it’s too hot to eat a big dinner, but when it’s hot out, I still eat my friends! And I want hot food, beer, and pudding! It bothers people (and has always bothered significant others) I like soup, and chili, and hot chocolate more in the summer then the winter. I also want to eat bar food and drink beer every day (wings, onion rings, and beer…now that is technically why I shouldn’t be single, but whatever)
6- It’s too hot to go to the gym! (see above and draw conclusion)
(reason #___why I’m single: Right now, I could care less!)