blow your mind!

FACT: Inside-out is the same as outside-in!

whoa!

PULL: the age gap

boy/girl name guy:     How old are you?

plum:    27 very soon to be 28.

boy/girl name guy:     Ahh…see you need to find yourself a 31-33 year old.  The 31-33 year old guys love the 27-28 year old girls. They make the perfect relationships.

plum:    Is that right?

boy/girl name guy:     That’s right!

plum:      To bad you said you were 35.

boy/girl name guy:     I already said I was 35.

plum:    you sure did!

boy/girl name guy:    damn…… (walks away)

THE SUNDAY PULL: a dirty shine

(My friend handing me back my lip-gloss)

Friend in Red: ” I like that.”

Plum: ” I know right, it’s got a nice shine”

Man out of Nowhere: “Want to shine my little friend!”

(grabs his ‘little friend’)

When it’s hot, I ain’t so hot!

If you aren’t living in NYC right now, let me break it down for you. It’s hot! Now, I know you’re saying, “I know it’s hot here too!” Well, nope you’re wrong. It’s Balls-ass-Africa hot in this city. Balls-ass-Africa heat wave hot! No joke! Unless you’ve done August in this city don’t talk to me!  And for once I will verbally scream from the mountaintops: Thank God I’m single! (Thank you Jesus….mama plum just had a heart attack)

Here is why it is good that I stay single in the month of August:

1- My hair looks like ass, and behaves like ass! My natural wave (and sporadic curls) come out and play. They will not and can not be tamed! This is fine, except for if any exploits happen.  My hair knots up a lot faster, and this makes it hard to run hand through, and makes it one big matted mess in the AM. (And speaking of the AM)

2- I can’t sleep! It’s hot, and uncomfortable, and want to spread out when I sleep. Also, mix the head/face sweat with my hair and it’s a sight to be seen. I don’t want to be touched and positively don’t want the extra body heat rubbing against me.

3- Boob sweat! If you don’t know the wonders of boob sweat, you are a lucky lucky person. My friend @vanillabean45, and I were joking the other day about the puddle that can collect up in there. Like seriously, on a hot day you could wash your hands in my cleavage! And if I’m wearing a certain type of padded bra it gets all soaked up in that and the whole bra feels damp.  Hells-No you ain’t touching/seeing my boobs. You take that bra off and the floodgates will open!

4- I hate crowds of sweaty people! The masses that don’t have A/C, and God forbid not even a fan, flock to establishments that have them! This is the sole reason they have the baby cry in the “don’t interrupt the movie” spot at the movies! Makes me so mad I want to punch someone, and it just might be you.

5-  I love pudding cups! People always say it’s too hot to eat. Well it’s too hot to eat a big dinner, but when it’s hot out, I still eat my friends!  And I want hot food, beer, and pudding! It bothers people (and has always bothered significant others) I like soup, and chili, and hot chocolate more in the summer then the winter.  I also want to eat bar food and drink beer every day (wings, onion rings, and beer…now that is technically why I shouldn’t be single, but whatever)

6- It’s too hot to go to the gym! (see above and draw conclusion)

(reason #___why I’m single: Right now, I could care less!)

some even print words…

Either I watch a lot of crappy girly TV shows (no comments) or there are just too many pregnancy test commercials on. Has there always been this many, or am I just noticing them now?  Hmm.. Well here is a fascinating fact that most of the commercials want us all to know:

1 in 4 women misread an at home pregnancy test!  Are you serious! 1 in 4! Holy shit friends!  1 in 4!

Now granted I’ve only ever used an at home pregnancy test once in my life, and I didn’t buy it, and sorta got pressured into it. One of my roommates in university used to have a stack of them (like she was an hour late and she would whip it out!) I used to joke with her “to bad they don’t have a bin of Preggo-Tests at Bulkbarn!”  (right beside the gummy candy….!)

I’ve never really had a ‘scare’, in fact I’m starting to think that maybe I’m not even fertile!   But I assume if I did have one I would walk myself over to a Duane Reade (they aren’t hard to find) and fill my basket up with every pregnancy test box I could get my hands on.  And do them all!  This is what bad girly TV and movies have taught us, you need to hydrate and pee on that stick till you know for sure!

So how in the hell do 1 in 4 women read this wrong?  I mean it’s either yes or no, positive or negative, pregnant or not pregnant.  (some actually print the words so you just have to know how to read)

Is it just me, or does reading a peed on stick seem as easy as a bad knock-knock joke?!

Knock-knock

Who’s there?

It ain’t Aunt Flo!

1 in 4 women need to CHECK THEMSELVES, cause you’re a hot mess, and the fact that you are actually getting laid makes me shake my head.

(reason #___why I’m single: I can read instructions  while peeing on a stick ?)

my new sunday tradition…

so many bloggers out there have their thing. That special day they always do the same thing (a poll, a movie review, best place to eat, sex position…yadda yadda) I have been toying with the idea of doing something. And the ever wonderful Simone told me, “Just make it yours!”

And then the decision was pretty easy!

Every once and a while I do my Pick-Up-Line-Love (PULL) posts.  These are are REAL pickup lines guys have used on me. Most are recent, however, I also have a large notebook (or journal) filled with these from the last few years.  And so…….WELCOME to the 1st SUNDAY PULL!

PULL: not enough

socks & sandals man:

“I’m not drunk enough to punish yet!….Want to get on that sweetness, anything with vodka would be great!”

In a hand basket…

I had a bad night the other night. I am not one to let things get to me; I’ve grown a pretty tough skin over the years. I guess some of my readers out there don’t approve of me, and in fact you might say hate me. I get hate email, like most bloggers out there, and I do pretty well at brushing it off. But the other day I received about 200 emails (no joke! Ok that was a joke, I got 167 emails)

And they weren’t my usual type of ‘hate’. These were mean, and direct hits on how I carry myself, how I’m basically a slut, whore, bitch, think of it they said it: Not my usual ‘hate’ email.  I get most of my usual  ‘hate’ emails from who I tend to call my “Christian Fundamentalist followers”. They send me bible passages and want to save me from my naughty naughty ways.

I’ve haven’t responded to any of my “saviors”, and to them I mostly would just say thank you for visiting and for caring about me (even if I am a heathen) and wanting to make sure I don’t burn in a fiery hell.  But this catholic schoolgirl has her own ideas on why she might be burning in hell.

Straight up the only reason I might be going to Hell is:

I was five years old, and I stole a big super fluffy pink pipe cleaner from the craft store!   ( I hid it in a box under the bathroom sink)

When my mom confronted me I out right denied taking it, then crumbled into a ball and threw it in the toilet!

My parents made me go to confession, and I’m pretty sure the only thing I confessed to was to hating my parents!

So when you take out my exploits, you take out my filthy mouth, that squirrel I hit with my car, and my love for beef or pork (depending on your god)


I’ll see you in hell…. I hope they have a craft room!